He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
