just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
