i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
