Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
