: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
