Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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