Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
