If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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