tonight lets celebrate not being married
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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