I'm jealous of your bromance
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
