I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
