Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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