watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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