I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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