it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
