Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
