If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
