Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
