I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
