"it" just moved
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
