So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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