we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
