Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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