You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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