i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
