wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
