dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am midnight drunk by noon
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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