even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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