My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
