dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize