I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
