Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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