I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
