jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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