if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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