I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
