we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
