A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
