I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
