Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize