when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
