I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
