planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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