The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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