You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
