Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
