I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
