There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize