Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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