Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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