My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
