i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
