is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
