I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
