After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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