So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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