News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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